I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
