I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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