this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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