"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
