theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
