Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize