Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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