Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
