So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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