Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
