Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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