I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
