i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
