I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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