This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
