The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
