life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
