I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize