nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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