hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
