How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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