I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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