i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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