I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
