don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I am one with the molecules
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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