i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
