So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
