My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
