When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
