you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
