I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
