And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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