so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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