I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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