Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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