The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
