My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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