Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize