They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
