I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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