i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
