I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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