Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
