The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
