apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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