Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
