Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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