Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize