I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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