I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
