I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
