So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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