She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
