I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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