ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize