textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
