I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
