yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Randomize
