are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
