I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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