What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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