My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
