So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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