Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
two words: eviction party
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
