He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
